3rd day (Chapter two)

fuck... i woke up at 5.55 and the wakeup wasn't so nice. I woke up kicking my legs off. It was a cramp, i dont know how long i cramped but atleast i woke... went to the bathroom and took a bath. I fuvking had to take a tramal. There were 2 options, make the cramps stop my self, or call ambulance. went to my liniment box (a box filled with various thaiboxing liniments) i pounded my legs with my arms couse they were rock hard, fuck it hurt so much. i rubbed the liniments in and took the tramal and dipped in to a bath. got my self together...

Then i had my second time to the local clinic. We talked about what options i got. if i want to get rid of this shit i have to pee in a cup for a year... today had to do it again. Basically it doesent bother me, but the clinic should be optional, it means that if i dont wanna go there i dont, but in this situation they kicked me from hospital and said that its the last stop.

After fifteen minutes there happened somethin, someone realized that i'm in the wrong fucking place. My pain is couse of the operation, but i have to go to the fucking clinic... atleast one person fucking realized.

they said at the clinic that i cant go coldturkey, or i'll end up in the hospital and this shithole would just restart ... so i had to swllow my karma and a one of afourth tramal...

Mood is pretty mellow, not good, not bad. Worse.
cant be no workhorse, so said my nurse,
allso i have to give up pot. fuck she wants a litllebit too lot.
cant drink, just have to fuck my brain and think.
Hell of disaster and nobody knows the master.
it should be me, but  someone took my rights
it means more mental fights, just wanna turn of the lights.
just cant reach the lever, maybe i'm a bit too clever and fell
to a trap i set up, just get to higer level, now i'm gonna get up.
'I gonna take my rights! fight my fights. before i see the brite white lite.

fuck the world .:

day 2 (the first chapter)

today is the second day of my rehab. feel like shit!

i've been eating this prescription drug called tramadol, for a bout a year now, like nonstop.
I've used opiates for about six years, its hell of a lot.
first came king codeine, but i liked it too much and popped a few pills too much, for about three years. then there came a stop, my doctress said that if i keep poppin eight pills a day i'll wake up dead.
I wasn't so pleased to hear that from her, becouse she made me two choices: stop it home or go to rehab. And the rehab would of been at the local mental health care hospital fucking thing so no thaanks, need no insane people sticking gum in my hair.
So I did it home the firs time and i was about 4 months without anything. (thats three fucking years ago from now...)

then i swiched to tramadol, becouse of the nonstop pains.
A very bad choice..., actually the doctress told me my fortune when i saw her. but the funniest thing is that she discribed this shit to me the first time, and basically told me that i'm a lost soul. 
Then i was hooked again, but for a big price....
I just started my second year at metal designing school when i got sick, my whole life basicly died.
i had to stop the school couse i was too fucking sick to do notnin.
I went many times to our local healthcare station to said that i dont feel well, i asked for help and actually said that if i wont get help ill shoot my brains out, they just told me to come there before i'd do that.

But then when i turned all yellow and cramped i got to a doctor in 5 fuckin minutes and they took me in to he hospital. Nobody knew what was going on whit me... fuck that was horrible they plugged a camera every fucking way in to my body that you can or cant imagine.
Then they found a reason, stones in the part of your body that makes your digestion fluids.
so I had to go for an operation... i was totally fucking pissed off allmost ready to die, becouse i knew that i had to wait for 3 monts to get under the knife...
I could eat, becouse if i ate anything with fat i'd have cramps. i cramped like a god damn exorcist. Mostly the exorcist kinda anaconda style cramps lasted for 12 hours or more.
There were hard times, i thought, but it getts even better.

When i finally got operated , they fucked it up... Couln't eat not even a fucking biscuit without feeling ill, then i got home, but my condition got worse... complications on the operated area... nobody knew what was going on, again.
They gave me interventual antibiotics and oxycodene and held me in the hospital for a few days, then thy kicked me out and said that i'm well. But i couldn eat... Any fucking thing.

I lost weigh from 75 kilos to 48 in the process. Then i went to the local healthcare again, and went to a doctor who gave me fucking novapams for my stomache... woohoo i got another hook benzodiatsepines.

That was the point when i lost my hope for western medice care for the rest of my life. I still got my pains and i couldnt eat.
then i remembered that pot makes me hungry allways... so i started to smoke pot before eating so i woulnt be so damn sick. And it helped, allthough it's llegal here i saw that i have to break the fucking law to stay alive couse 48 kilos i'snt good for a 175cm 21yr old man,and i looked like skeletor.

i got 150mg tramadol pills after the operation, one per day prescription. I hate that stuff. First it made me feel good and forgot the pains, but very quickly i had to take the pills not to be sick.

I was feeling pretty low, couse i got off from tramadol six months before the operation and man that was a hard struggle with myself.

I had to take the tramadol for the intestance pains, even it made me feel worse. I tried to swich it to another drug with the doctors but they wouldnt listen. Every time i tried to talk to them (on the phone becouse the fucking midget got scared) they just sent me letter with decriptions for tramadol and novapam.

I even got tricked to go to a mental hospital for my pains. I was told that the place i'm going is a place for chronic pain treatment. but i found my self in a madhouse. I figured it out when asked for scissors, they were in a locked place. In that point I collapsed.


I just took the good oldfashion clockwork orange style and did every fucking thing they asked.
and got out in a week.


now I'm Here just in the same spot again, in a little bit different angle but im here hell sweet hell.
I mean cold turkey....
It's my second or (now when im writing it's the) third day of my rehab. Do'ing it home again, ive been using this substant called buprenorfin for a few weeks to cut the edge, becouse if anybody knew Tramadol is a antidepressant from the 70's Germany.


So when you get off of it its not just the opiates that make you sick...
now its about 60 hours from my hopefully last touch in opioids. i got cold turkey, i cant walk, i'm basically hurt everywhere. And now is just the time when the real "fun" starts: diarrea, cold swet, bonefreeze and nothing stays in my body.
I barefully can write this blog, but im still doing it. Just for people to see that its not impossible to get rid of drugs.

My main intention to write this blog is that people know what kinda hell prescription drugs can be.

for now im too fucking sick to write more. Roger out!